We live in a narcissistic society.
And that includes me.
I hate to think that I am a narcissist. I don't want to believe that I am full of myself or that I have little room to consider the perspectives of others.
I actually don't know that other people would call me narcissistic. I kind of doubt it...
But sometimes I wonder just how much of our narcissistic society has seeped into me.
I wonder this when I catch myself having days like I've had this week...days when I am CONVINCED that I have it SO MUCH HARDER than everyone else...days when I am so full of SELF-PITY than I cannot even begin to appreciate the goodness of my life...days when no needs on the planet can possibly outweigh MINE.
This is the emotional place where I go when I am overwhelmed...when there is too much to do and too few resources. I start to take it personally, as though the universe has targeted me as its sole victim.
Boy. It's pathetic, isn't it?
This week's self-pity has looked something like this:
-I never have any time to eat a salad! Or even a vegetable! Or even a PIECE OF FRUIT! Woe is me!
(in another state-of-mind, I'd decide to take better care of myself...)
-I cannot keep up with buying groceries, yet, still, everyone in this house has to be FED. By ME. Why only by me??? I do not want to feed another living thing. EVER. AGAIN.
(in another state-of-mind, I'd say that grocery shopping is relaxing...)
-It's spring break season...so lots of families are going away...we are not going away (because vacationing is just not something we can manage...especially not with our MASSIVE TUITION bill)...and since everyone else is going on VACATION, they are asking ME to do their work for them while they are gone. Wait...you get to go on VACATION, and I, who am not going on VACATION, will stay here...and do your WORK for you?? So you can REST? While I add YOUR WORK to MY WORK? F*ck you.
(in another state-of-mind, this might not bother me so much...might not...)
-All of the organizational systems I have worked hard to create in our house have totally MELTED DOWN. Because I haven't been able to monitor them. And because (of course) no one else in this house can do it like I can...which is a massive BURDEN. It's hard to be SUPERIOR to everyone else. Then everything falls on you.
(in another state-of-mind, I'd laugh at my own perfectionism, ignore the piles, and go to sleep.)
-My older son has a motor learning problem called "dyspraxia." (google it) This means that, as fabulous as he is, he is messy. VERY VERY MESSY. And uncoordinated. And massively disorganized. And this drives me NUTS. And I love him and think he is probably the smartest, sweetest child who has ever walked the Earth. But I hate his dyspraxia. And I want it to GO AWAY. Or else I want him to GROW UP FASTER so I won't have to take care of him like he is a MUCH younger child.
(in another state-of-mind, I'd enjoy getting to care for him like I do...and I'd be grateful that dyspraxia is his only problem and that he has such a lovely disposition...)
-TAXES ARE DUE! WHY DO I HAVE TO PAY TAXES??? I MUST BE THE ONLY PERSON ON EARTH WHO HAS TO PAY TAXES!
(In another state-of-mind, I'd be glad we live in America.)
-My cat keeps puking all over the house. And meowing at night. I want to kill her.
(in another state-of-mind, I'd be grateful for the deep relaxation I get whenever I hear her purr.)
-My kid's private school has more days off than I can count! What are we supposed to do for childcare on these days? How can we pay tuition when we have to take time off of work when there's no school?? Doesn't the school get it that we have to WORK to be able to PAY? And WTF with that TWO-WEEK-LONG spring break this year???!?!?
(in another state-of-mind, I'd be grateful we manage to send our boys to good schools, where they get lots of individual attention and still have time for recess...)
-Life is just way too hard on young families! There is not enough support! Things move too fast. Cell phones and i phones and mobile me and e-mail floods are going to drown us and radiate our brains and give us cancer! (which we won't be able to stave off, since, remember, we never have time to eat FRUITS OR VEGETABLES.) WHERE IS THE SUPPORT FOR YOUNG FAMILIES IN THIS COUNTRY? Is everyone trying to kill us via stress and nutrition- deprivation? We need HELP raising the next generation. And we are not getting it. We are screwed as a society. We are going DOWNHILL. Ours will be the last decent generation (assuming that we even are a decent generation).
(in another state of mind, I'd feel proud of the amazing parenting my cohort is doing, in spite of the endless demands on them...somehow, they're managing and our kids are thriving...but I can't see that in this state-of-mind.)
-Every woman I know says she needs a wife. Everyone wants a woman to be attuned to them, to help them, to anticipate and to meet their needs... Do you know any man who has ever whined that he needs a husband?? (I actually said this to GEH yesterday. Good Lord.)
(in another state-of-mind, I'd be grateful for my kind, loving, devoted husband.)
Ahh...the narcissism of self-pity...woe is me is, clearly, all about me.
I hope I escape the vicious loop soon.
