Neglect?

Lately I have felt like I have not had nearly enough time for my kids. My workload has increased, so my work hours have increased. When time opens up in my schedule, it gets filled instantly--it evaporates before I even know I have it. So, extra time that could go to my kids doesn't seem to make it there. And I am full of maternal guilt and self-recrimination about that.

Recently, I have heard stories about parents who seriously neglect their children. One, sadly, is my sister-in-law, who keeps having horrendous fights with her teenage son. At the root of these fights is the fact that she repeatedly rejects him. And this has been the case for many years. And I can't imagine how enraged this has made him. But she will not look at her own behavior and shift it. Instead, the fighting goes on, and now she says she is "throwing in the towel." On. Her. Own. Kid.

Another example comes from a movie I watched last night, "The Nanny Diaries." I got it out of the library. The librarian told me she loved the movie. OMG. Not me. I HATED HATED HATED it. Seriously. The movie made me feel sick and horrible. If you haven't seen it (don't bother), it's about a nanny who forms a bond with a severely neglected (albeit financially privileged) child. The movie is supposed to be a comical portrayal of rich families in which the parents are so self-absorbed that they have no time for their children. But. It. Wasn't. Funny. The little boy in the movie had absolutely no one looking out for him emotionally. He was treated like an accessory and a conversation piece. He did not exist as a person, except to his nanny, who was eventually fired and forced to leave him precipitously. There was a heartwrenching scene where the boy runs crying after her cab, as she is driven away.

I almost puked. For real.

(This is depressing, I know. Bear with me.)

But, the good thing is that these horror stories remind me constantly how much I treasure my time with my children. And how, even when I'm busy, I am not neglecting or rejecting them. Last night, my husband told me the story of his sister and our nephew while we were out at dinner with our boys. I listened with disgust (at my SIL) and compassion (for my nephew) while my kids jumped in and out of my lap, ordered dessert, joked and laughed, and stroked my hair. While they told me I was their "favorite mommy" and said over and over again that they loved me.

And this morning, after feeling sick half of the night in the aftermath of the nanny movie trauma, my sons created a pretend "hair salon" and spent quite a while styling my early-morning, I-just-woke-up hair. While we laughed together.

I know this is the theme of so many of my blogs...but that is because I think constantly about this discrepancy between how poorly I feel like I perform as a mother...and the reality that I am actually doing a "good enough" job. I am so grateful to my kids for reminding me, again and again, that they are OK. That my distractions and stress and even depressions are not wrecking them. That they are thriving, even at times when I feel like I am not giving them enough of myself.

And...well...PHEW! (so far, any how...)


And a note to my boys: please let me know as well as you can when I'm NOT measuring up. Because I promise I will shift and change and grow to be a better parent to you. Always.