Confessions of a Former Stay-At-Home-Mom

Lately, I have been feeling very guilty about my lack interest in parenting my kids. It's been a crappy, snowy winter (see my last entry) and I can't bring myself to get the kids out of the house. I get MYSELF out of the house--racing off to work or the gym as soon as childcare arrives, but meeting their needs seems to have fallen off of my to-do list. Bad, bad mommy... So my poor kids are stuck at home, while I make money or build stronger quads.

Let's start at the beginning: I was home with my kids for four years before starting a psychology practice. I had always expected to go right back to work after my pregnancy, but Big Boy was born at the end of my post-doc, so I didn't have a job to return to...plus he had colic and I trusted NO ONE with him (I wanted to kill him myself--and if his own mother felt that way, just imagine how a stranger would feel!)...plus I wasn't licensed to practice independently...plus I had unbearable guilt about leaving my baby.... So, in spite of my wish to work, I stayed home. For. Four. Long. Years. At Home! Four! Years! And I had a second baby during that time, nut that I was. But I did get my psychology license (by some miracle).

When baby # 2 was 10 months old, I FINALLY found a babysitter I could trust...and...I...FLED! I flew out the door so fast I probably made a breeze...whoosh..."what was that blur?" "Oh, nothing, just a burned-out mommy racing at the speed of light to get the hell outta her house!"

And, seriously, I haven't looked back. I used to take Big Boy on all kinds of outings in his early years--to the library, the zoo, play dates, baby music classes, play groups, the museum...you name it. I had to do it. It was the only way for me to tolerate motherhood, stay sane, and keep from losing it with my child. And he benefited, too. He got to go out and see the world, to have fun while being with his closest attachment figure (that's me).

But, now that I have a sitter whom I L-O-V-E LOVE, I have completely lost interest in doing things with my kids. And it's like I barely even remember HOW to do things with them. And it just feels TOO HARD to schlep wild boys, gear, sippy cups, AND me on an outing. And it's winter. And it's cold and windy and snowy....And why would I want to??

But, I hear other moms at school pick up talking about the lessons they're going to after school, or the sled they just bought for the upcoming snow day, or their planned trip to the library/playdate/zoo/etc/etc/etc...and I feel like a total greedy loser of a mom...I bring my kids home...and I run off to do my evening work! And on days like today when school is canceled (in anticipation of a snow that never happened), I ignore their need to get out, but gratify my own.

Is that wrong?

I worry that I have become a selfish, no-fun kind of mommy...maybe I was just home for too long...maybe I went too far past my own limit...my own breaking point...

I do feed them, though. That's something, right?

Buried by the Month of February

I haven't been able to post anything recently because this month has basically sucked. Major. Suckage. This. Month.

1. Snow Suckage.

We were hammered with several snowstorms in a row...our city had more snow on the ground than it has in the history of recorded time. Really. Ankorage, Alaska had 13 inches and we had 73...WTF is up with that?

So, we were stuck at home, stressed about digging ourselves out, watching the city's plows do a massively insufficient job, barely tolerating the power-outages (can you say "mommy panic attack" anyone?), waiting for the snow to stop while the thug we hired to plow our driveway ran over our bushes and broke branches off the evergreens...yeah, that was fun. (not.)

But, I did get a few good photos:






2. Phone Suckage.

Last month, my Palm smartphone died. The phone feature quit working, it was out of warranty, and it was time for my so-called "free upgrade" anyhow. There were no Palms to choose from at the Verizon store, so I got a Blackberry.

And OMG this device is making me crazy. I hate it. I love it. I want to throw it out. I never want to part with it. I want it in my room at night. I can't sleep with it in my room at night. If you have a blackberry, then you MUST know what I mean. Whenever I get an e-mail or a text, this little red light flashes at me. And I never know when the light will be flashing, so I frequently look at the phone. This is what we in Psychology call a variable ratio reinforcement schedule...the light blinks at unpredictable intervals (it may be blinking every time you look at it, or every-other-time--there's no way to know!)...so you look at it OFTEN. It is the strongest behavioral reinforcer there is...it keeps you coming back for more...you can't help it...effin' crackberry! (but if you try to take it from me--trust me--I will KILL you!)

And the blackberry has made my parenting go to shit. Texting. Say no more. One day, I will probably be arrested for blackberry-induced child neglect.

3. Friend Suckage.

What is it about finding friends as adults? It seems like it should be simple, but it is just, like, the most effin' complicated thing in the WORLD. In other phases of life, you're stuck in a building with the same people, so inevitably you get to know some of them, and you make friends. I moved a lot as a child, and got really good at making friends. But now, as a grown woman, this endeavor seems impossible. I mean, sure, I have lots and lots of chit-chat at the gym friends, and hello-goodbye at school pick-up friends...but where are my get-down-and-dirty-with-a-bottle-of-wine friends? We've lived in this neighborhood for six years, and still the friend piece is missing. I guess this is just meant to be a lonely phase of life? (Really? Are you effin' kidding me? Come on, Mother Nature, cut us a freakin' BREAK! Moms need friends more than anyone!) If you read CBHM's blog, you'll see that I'm not alone...(and thank god for her blog!)

4. Work Suckage.

I totally over-committed myself...and then spent the month digging my house and cars out of the snow...and texting on the crackberry...and now I have to dig out the piles that are burying my desk. This isn't fair.

5. Sick Kids Suckage.

Kid one: snotty and whiny. Kid one gets better... Kid two: snotty, whiny, and clingy...Kid two gets better. Repeat x4 and you have the rest of my month.

In conclusion, I'd just like to say: SUCK IT, FEBRUARY! I DON'T WANT YOU ANY MORE! Bring it on, March, bring it on!

Deconstructing Mary's Lamb

Tonight, as I sang Tot-Tot (age not-quite-3) his special-request song, "Mary Had A Little Lamb"...the following conversation occurred:

Me: (singing) "...he followed her to school one day, which was against the rule..."
TT: (interrupting) Why was it against the rule?
Me: Tot-Tot, I am singing.
TT: But why? Why was it against the rule?
Me: Because you can't bring an animal to school.
TT: But I bring my animals to school.
Me: Yours are stuffed. You can't bring a real animal to school. Like our cat, you can't bring her to school.
TT: Why can't I bring our cat to school?
Me: Because she is alive.
TT: Why is she alive?
Me: Because she breathes and eats and makes a pee-pee.
TT: (like this is news to him) How does she make a pee-pee?!?!
Me: (avoiding the actual question) She goes in the litter box.
TT: And sometimes she vomits. And that is NAUGHTY.
Me: Yes, sometimes she vomits and I don't like that.
TT: But why did Mary bring a lamb to school?
Me: Well, actually, the lamb followed her, so she didn't really bring it.
TT: So, the lamb was naughty?
Me: It's time for night-night.