Calm in the Storm

This morning, we made a last-minute decision to take the boys shopping for fall clothes. Even though other parents might have thought it was an early start (10:45am), by the time we arrived I was already afraid that we were too late and our poor planning was going to cost our toddler his beloved afternoon nap. The day was a blur of visiting the potty, snacking, diaper changing, toddler-chasing, getting lunch, toddler-soothing, and returning to the potty. We were there for about 3 hours, 30 minutes of which were spent shopping. And, of course, we screwed up our toddler's nap.

These are the times when I get the most stressed about parenthood. I want to make sure that everyone's needs are met...the kindergartener's, the toddler's, GEH's, and, finally, mine. When I lose track of time, or when I feel unorganized and scattered (which is often!), I just start hating this phase of life. I think I can't do it...I can't get things right for everyone...someone is hungry, someone always has to use the potty, someone is tired or frustrated. I feel frazzled trying to keep everyone comfortable, and then I usually realize that I am frustrated, tired, starving and haven't peed for hours myself...

But in spite of all my stress, my kids love these outings. If the toddler doesn't nap, his behavior may be erratic (and sometimes intolerable), but he will go to bed early. He spends most of his days at home, so these outings are, to him, a valuable change of pace. And the kindergartener thinks shopping is the best activity ever. He loves trying to convince me of why he must have every item in every store... (And making up reasons why is probalby the most strenuous cognitive exercise I get!)

I wish I could relax and enjoy the day...and just know that in the end, it will all be fine. I write this as my kids are sleeping soundly, in spite of the loud thunderstorm outside. Maybe I could learn something from this moment...It may be storming outside, but, really, things are safe and calm inside.

Here Comes the Fall

My older son is starting Kindergarten in 2 weeks. My toddler is starting 2 days of preschool in 2 weeks. They are starting on the same day...each one in a new school, each one with his own excitement mixed with separation anxiety. The schools are just one block away from each other, and they have the exact same spring breaks. In each of these schools will be my boys, each entering a new phase-of-life, each growing more independent by the day.

I have spent the last 2 weeks trying to arrange school drop-offs and pick-ups, combined with childcare for when they're not in school, combined with my (somewhat flexible) work schedule, combined with GEH's schedule...in short, I have been coordinating 5 schedules for the fall. And I am mentally exhausted.

I have spent the last few days suddenly realizing that times are changing. My boys are growing, developing, reaching new milestones. With their growth and development comes more freedom for me (yay) but more distance from them (oh, no!). I don't know how I will manage all of these schedules logistically, but, more importantly, I don't know how I will manage the changes emotionally. For years, all I wanted was my freedom back...now it is closer, and I want my babies back (or do I?).

Don't Be Perfect

I became a mother over 5 years ago. My first son was a screamer. He cried nonstop for, oh, about 4 months... As a new mom of an unsoothable baby, I could not understand why no one had told me how much motherhood sucked. (It wasn't until I had my second child that I realized that all babies did not scream like he did!)

Even though his colic/reflux only lasted a few months, I still feel how it has impacted my mothering. It is psychological torture to be unable to soothe your baby. I responded to my sense of utter inadequacy by trying to do things just right. I quit working to stay home with him. I made sure he napped and ate on schedule. We had the same routine every night. In short, my striving to be a perfect mother made me miserable.

In psychology grad school, I had read Winicott, and knew about the concept of the "good-enough mother." It took me years, though, to finally appreciate WHY being good-enough is far, far better than being perfect. Here's a quote from Winicott:

"The good-enough mother...starts off with an almost complete adaptation to her infant's needs, and as time proceeds she adapts less and less completely, gradually, according to the infant's growing ability to deal with her failure" (Winnicott, 1953)

I think that I've gotten a lot better at failing as a mother. It's not always a great feeling, failure, but the more I do it, the more my children learn to adapt to it. If I were to keep striving for perfection, I would still be miserable, and my children would have no sense about some of life's realities: disappointment, delayed gratification, separation, annoyance...

But, as you will see in reading this blog, I struggle CONSTANTLY with my desire to be perfect, to have it all. I guess this is one of the main problems faced by modern-day mothers. I have a lot to say about that...and I will in blogs to come.